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Relationships, we want them but how do we do them?

In a previous post about how relationships collapse I suggest that we move onto new relationships in a way that is serial monogamy. I suggest that it’s necessary to realise that all relationships end and it’s the disappointment of that, based on the expectations that they last for ever, that causes the suffering.

My suggestion is to come to terms with the fact that it ends, enjoy it while it lasts, grieve when it ends, heal and then move on.

Another aspect is that within the Western view of marriage we expect our partner to be all things in every way for us. It’s natural, especially as when we connect and in the serotonin haze that is created in the first flush of meeting someone, we think they are perfect, the one, our soulmate. Then they change don’t they?

Maybe we change the way we view them!

Either-way we find that they aren’t everything to us in all situations. So we become dissatisfied try to change them or compromise ourselves but we’re not satisfied.

Who said that the person you marry has to be your everything, especially in the intimate personal aspects of a relationship?

Oh sorry!

The system said that!

Well guess what the system is wrong. We all get things that are important to us from other people and places, physical, emotional, spiritual and sexual. We have friends that give us things that we don’t get from our partners and within a marriage it’s accepted that we can have these relationships to fulfill us and round us out as humans. Pragmatically we allow our partner to do things that we may not quite approve of because it’s seen as good for the relationship and based on power and survival needs of the family. As the dependence on the other changes through the constant change of the relationship then the barely tolerated behavior becomes a relationship threatening behavior and the slow slide to separation commences.

The conflict is not so much in the behavior itself but in the non acceptance of your partner needing to be this way as their form of human existence. To relate to someone you must accept them as they are. If you have an issue it is fine for you to communicate it to them, even to ask for them to change but it is 100% up to them to change and to do it happily with no compromise to themselves. If they can’t or won’t change you must accept it as it is, happily with no compromise to yourself. If this can’t be done there will be conflict. Either way it’s about acceptance either a new or the old dynamic. So now everyone is happy with each others behavior and all can live in bliss.

But what if I can’t resolve a behaviour by my partner?

Simple, dissatisfaction unhappiness arguments all the usual stuff until it moves to separation or stagnation either way not much joy and fun. So get with it, acceptance is the only way to get it.

This isn’t my stuff you’ll find it scattered around many of the spiritual teachings especially Buddhism and within human relationship counselling.

What if I can’t personally give what they need from me? Accept it! If not then that means either conflict and ultimately separation or let them find it elsewhere and accept that new situation. Either way we’re back to acceptance.

In all relationships we get things from outside of the relationship so lets celebrate that and let our partners go forth and have those other fulfilling relationships in the knowledge that this is what is vital to them and that if we can be content with that there is contentment with both parties.

Back in May I was listening to Cameron Reillys’ G’Day World podcast which introduced to me the concept of Polyamore through the conversation he had with a couple travelling through the US.

As I heard about this term of Polyamore I realised that it seemed to be another expression of the serial monogamy but with the twist that there isn’t a requirement for the relationship to breakdown and that it can continue and any requirements that are need to be added to the relationship can be found outside to satisfy while staying in the relationship. Or that it is possible to have multiple relationships concurrently so as to ensure that all are satisfied and whole. The most important aspect is openness of desires and honesty with all parties.

Now this is not just about sex. We do have very deep intimate non sexual relationships with others that satisfy us and within a relationship we allow that and all is fine. The challenge is when we move it up to include all aspects of human behaviour including sex. That’s when it’s challenging for a lot of people as it’s fine to do somethings just not All Things, especially sex. But why not?

As seen before if we’re not satisfied there will be conflict within the relationship or within oneself.

In what I’m saying here I admit that I’m making a generalisation and yes there are exceptions to what I’m saying but the vast majority of cases are closer to what I’m suggesting than to the Western Ideal that everyone aspires to.

In all of human history we haven’t been monogamous and we will go there anyway one day or be miserable, inside or outside of the relationship, why not face up to the certainty and happily allow our partner to satisfy that aspect of their humanity that is unfulfilled? Because it threatens us, that’s called jealousy, that’s why!

Ok, I accept that a lot of people can’t or won’t be able to do a Polyamourous relationship but to my way of thinking most of us are already doing it with other important aspects of our human relationships, we just have this sex, guilt, ownership control thing with our partners that has been perpetrated by church and state as a way of keeping us in some sort of control for reasons I don’t understand.

It’s all right if you disagree with me. You may be totally besotted by your partner and they with you and you see no need to entertain what I’m suggesting here. However if…?

Do you care for your partner so much that if they needed to have a relationship…

A relationship to round them out as a person….

Do they adore you and share with you and are you secure enough in yourself and your relationship to allow them to go and have the experience…

Could you be happy for them knowing that they will always want you?

Or does that threaten you?

I so get this stuff! Once I found it had a name and I thought about my life and the way I’d interacted with people I realised that I have always been doing a variation on this. I’ve always been comfortable with the thought of my partner having relationships if that is important to her. That is why I always say I never do jealousy it just never threatens me if she wants to go and play. The way I’ve been doing Poly has been more within monogamy and platonic(love without letting it move to sex, but if things were different??).

More to the point I love many people in my life, if they are male it is platonic, if they are female it’s platonic if either of us are in a relationship and that relationship isn’t poly. However if we are both single or poly then it’s on and with some of the wonderful women in my world I’m inclined to be sexual with them.

But this is where I like the difference between Polyamory and swinging as this isn’t just recreational sex this is about building real relationships based around affection, respect, honesty and love.

I see that as more honest to both my partner and myself. And the little bit that I’ve experienced I’ve found that the sex is outstanding as so many of the conditional attachments and assumptions of a monogamous relationship aren’t there so the loving is more genuine as we understand that we are whole people with others in our life and that if we genuinely love each other we will stay connected and if we don’t we will move on so we cherish the moments we have.

If you wish to understand more about true relationships the challenges and the joys as well as the concept of Polyamore listen to a great podcast at Polyamory Weekly.

To reiterate. This is not about sex but about loving human relationships that we all have all the time. It’s about open honest human communication with the people we care about. It’s about allowing and being allowed to live the true life that fullfills us and to share that life with the people that mean the most to us.

The difference is that it doesn’t exclude sex, that’s all!Relationships, we want them but how do we do them?

In a previous post about how relationships collapse I suggest that we move onto new relationships in a way that is serial monogamy. I suggest that it’s necessary to realise that all relationships end and it’s the disappointment of that, based on the expectations that they last for ever, that causes the suffering.

My suggestion is to come to terms with the fact that it ends, enjoy it while it lasts, grieve when it ends, heal and then move on.

Another aspect is that within the Western view of marriage we expect our partner to be all things in every way for us. It’s natural, especially as when we connect and in the serotonin haze that is created in the first flush of meeting someone, we think they are perfect, the one, our soulmate. Then they change don’t they?

Maybe we change the way we view them!

Either-way we find that they aren’t everything to us in all situations. So we become dissatisfied try to change them or compromise ourselves but we’re not satisfied.

Who said that the person you marry has to be your everything, especially in the intimate personal aspects of a relationship?

Oh sorry!

The system said that!

Well guess what the system is wrong. We all get things that are important to us from other people and places, physical, emotional, spiritual and sexual. We have friends that give us things that we don’t get from our partners and within a marriage it’s accepted that we can have these relationships to fulfill us and round us out as humans. Pragmatically we allow our partner to do things that we may not quite approve of because it’s seen as good for the relationship and based on power and survival needs of the family. As the dependence on the other changes through the constant change of the relationship then the barely tolerated behavior becomes a relationship threatening behavior and the slow slide to separation commences.

The conflict is not so much in the behavior itself but in the non acceptance of your partner needing to be this way as their form of human existence. To relate to someone you must accept them as they are. If you have an issue it is fine for you to communicate it to them, even to ask for them to change but it is 100% up to them to change and to do it happily with no compromise to themselves. If they can’t or won’t change you must accept it as it is, happily with no compromise to yourself. If this can’t be done there will be conflict. Either way it’s about acceptance either a new or the old dynamic. So now everyone is happy with each others behavior and all can live in bliss.

But what if I can’t resolve a behaviour by my partner?

Simple, dissatisfaction unhappiness arguments all the usual stuff until it moves to separation or stagnation either way not much joy and fun. So get with it, acceptance is the only way to get it.

This isn’t my stuff you’ll find it scattered around many of the spiritual teachings especially Buddhism and within human relationship counselling.

What if I can’t personally give what they need from me? Accept it! If not then that means either conflict and ultimately separation or let them find it elsewhere and accept that new situation. Either way we’re back to acceptance.

In all relationships we get things from outside of the relationship so lets celebrate that and let our partners go forth and have those other fulfilling relationships in the knowledge that this is what is vital to them and that if we can be content with that there is contentment with both parties.

Back in May I was listening to Cameron Reillys’ G’Day World podcast which introduced to me the concept of Polyamore through the conversation he had with a couple travelling through the US.

As I heard about this term of Polyamore I realised that it seemed to be another expression of the serial monogamy but with the twist that there isn’t a requirement for the relationship to breakdown and that it can continue and any requirements that are need to be added to the relationship can be found outside to satisfy while staying in the relationship. Or that it is possible to have multiple relationships concurrently so as to ensure that all are satisfied and whole. The most important aspect is openness of desires and honesty with all parties.

Now this is not just about sex. We do have very deep intimate non sexual relationships with others that satisfy us and within a relationship we allow that and all is fine. The challenge is when we move it up to include all aspects of human behaviour including sex. That’s when it’s challenging for a lot of people as it’s fine to do somethings just not All Things, especially sex. But why not?

As seen before if we’re not satisfied there will be conflict within the relationship or within oneself.

In what I’m saying here I admit that I’m making a generalisation and yes there are exceptions to what I’m saying but the vast majority of cases are closer to what I’m suggesting than to the Western Ideal that everyone aspires to.

In all of human history we haven’t been monogamous and we will go there anyway one day or be miserable, inside or outside of the relationship, why not face up to the certainty and happily allow our partner to satisfy that aspect of their humanity that is unfulfilled? Because it threatens us, that’s called jealousy, that’s why!

Ok, I accept that a lot of people can’t or won’t be able to do a Polyamourous relationship but to my way of thinking most of us are already doing it with other important aspects of our human relationships, we just have this sex, guilt, ownership control thing with our partners that has been perpetrated by church and state as a way of keeping us in some sort of control for reasons I don’t understand.

It’s all right if you disagree with me. You may be totally besotted by your partner and they with you and you see no need to entertain what I’m suggesting here. However if…?

Do you care for your partner so much that if they needed to have a relationship…

A relationship to round them out as a person….

Do they adore you and share with you and are you secure enough in yourself and your relationship to allow them to go and have the experience…

Could you be happy for them knowing that they will always want you?

Or does that threaten you?

I so get this stuff! Once I found it had a name and I thought about my life and the way I’d interacted with people I realised that I have always been doing a variation on this. I’ve always been comfortable with the thought of my partner having relationships if that is important to her. That is why I always say I never do jealousy it just never threatens me if she wants to go and play. The way I’ve been doing Poly has been more within monogamy and platonic(love without letting it move to sex, but if things were different??).

More to the point I love many people in my life, if they are male it is platonic, if they are female it’s platonic if either of us are in a relationship and that relationship isn’t poly. However if we are both single or poly then it’s on and with some of the wonderful women in my world I’m inclined to be sexual with them.

But this is where I like the difference between Polyamory and swinging as this isn’t just recreational sex this is about building real relationships based around affection, respect, honesty and love.

I see that as more honest to both my partner and myself. And the little bit that I’ve experienced I’ve found that the sex is outstanding as so many of the conditional attachments and assumptions of a monogamous relationship aren’t there so the loving is more genuine as we understand that we are whole people with others in our life and that if we genuinely love each other we will stay connected and if we don’t we will move on so we cherish the moments we have.

If you wish to understand more about true relationships the challenges and the joys as well as the concept of Polyamore listen to a great podcast at Polyamory Weekly.

To reiterate. This is not about sex but about loving human relationships that we all have all the time. It’s about open honest human communication with the people we care about. It’s about allowing and being allowed to live the true life that fullfills us and to share that life with the people that mean the most to us.

The difference is that it doesn’t exclude sex, that’s all!

Welcome To Episode Six of Your Story.

To listen to the podcast please go to Your Story

Today we talk with Juan Mann of Free Hugs fame. You have probably seen the video, if not here it is.

A runaway viral success that has lead onto things greater than anyone could have imagined

It all started for me when I saw on Twitter that Richard Giles had gone to visit Juan and I thought well there is a story in that! So I found his Welcome To My Home site and asked if I could drop in, seeing how I was in Sydney. Generously, he agreed.

We talk about the runaway success that the video has become for him and what it has lead on to, including appearing on Oprah and Andrew Dentons Enough Rope along with opportunities that you would never write into a business plan.
Surprisingly this has lead to him developing a career as a public speaker enabling him to continue to get his message out there and to motivate others to follow their passion.

Here is Juan explaining how the Free Hugs Campaign has now grown and gone around the world. To learn more on the Free Hugs Campaign go to Wikipedia

His free ebook The Illustrated Guide To Free Hugs is available to download at freehugsguide.com If you feel that the world can be made a better place through acts of kindness like this I would encourage you to consider making a donation if you feel inspired. Email is freehugscampaign@yahoo.com

To automatically receive this podcast freely to you, click on one of the links to the left or search in iTunes for “Your Story.”

Subscribe freely in iTunes by Clicking here.
If you use another Podcast software Get the feed here.

Opening and closing track is All The Same by Sick Puppies

Welcome To Episode Five of Your Story.

To listen to the podcast please go to Your Story

Today is Australia/Invasion/Survival Day and coincidentally I have a poignant theme.

Rod is a local in my area and when I asked him to tell me his story he just went off on the subjects that impassion him. I had to ask him to stop until I got my recorder as I found that he really had something to say about Australian society and our ill treatment of the native Aboriginal Australians of whom he is one.

Born in Western Australia and adopted by Dutch migrants he grew up in Holland only to return to Australia at 14 to prejudice from both the black and white communities and then to fall, like so many, into the cycle of addiction and prison.

He now has a career as a performer and artist, striving to make his world a better place.

This is His Story.

To automatically receive this podcast freely to you, click on one of the links to the left or search in iTunes for “Your Story.”

Subscribe freely in iTunes by Clicking here.
If you use another Podcast software Get the feed here.

Many thanks to Rod for allowing me to record his didgeridoo playing for use in this programme.

Here we are in an era of mass communication where an idea can move in a moment around the globe. Where we can share information and give others a chance to see who we are.

But who are we…

If you believe mass media, I’m afraid you’ll end up confused as they have motives for their own benefits and frankly they don’t care for culture just the bottom line.

I’ve been ranting and raving for years about the slow erosion of what it is to be Australian. That is to say who we are, who I am, not better than anyone else just Australian like all of us, in all our variations.

I found this on You Tube. Thanks whoever made this.

So who are we…

What are you going to achieve this year? Will there be a change or more of the same old, same old…

This time last year I thought “I hope something interesting happens this year” as I had most years and like most years I was dreading that like at the end of ‘06 nothing would change. But what would I have to do to create that change.

Then the concept of doing this podcast was just starting to form out of the mist of my mind and I didn’t really know about it. I felt optimistic that something would happen but that’s how I feel every year.

Well it was a different year. the first different year in many years.

First I dreamt up the idea of this podcast then I had the reinforcement of everytime I moved I received another bit of motivation from things that seemed to pop out of the ether to remind me that this is a good idea for me much like when your looking for a new car you see them everywhere because that is where your focus is.

I must say that one of the strongest motivations was Cameron Reilly’s podcast way back in May where he challenged us to Get Off The Bench which rung true to me and kept me focused. On reflection it’s still a motivation for me now. How do we change our world and if we are, to what are we going to change it into?

So for this year I have some plans.

• Keep this podcast and blog developing as I learn more about this technology and skills
• Continue to meet interesting people and get their stories out there
• Look for every opportunity for me to be able to move in a direction that means that I can spend more time and get more finished content out there
• Develop a way that I can fund this either from it or to support it

I have some plans for travel and I want to add a culturally different spin on the programme to reinforce the underlying theme that although we are all different we are all the same in the most fundamental ways and that through understand the personal stories the myths that we hear of others will fall away.

Another year awaits lets see where it leads.

P.S. Thanks to everyone for their support. It’s great to know your out there while I work in this vacuum.

“I just don’t see it like you” is the statement that we have all heard.

Yes that’s right, we all don’t see it the same, figuratively and literally but we want to challenge it and make everyone see it the way we do. Impossible!

We’re all different with different upbringings, genetics and culture that influences the way in which we see the world.

When I was eight years old the Department of Education nurse came and visited my school and we had a basic government health check. Amongst saying argh! and having our groins felt for problems we had a colour test. These are the standard Ishihara tests but I’ve always referred to them as confetti charts. Well I had a note to take home to my parents which said that Ian was red/green colour blind and so began my understanding of this condition.

Can you see 45? Can you see 56?

In both of these examples I can not distinguish a number.

Colour deficiency effects about 8% of the Australian male population and is carried on the female “X” chromosome. Which is interesting in that yes two of my mothers brothers were colour blind but so is my father. Which is a coincidence. How about that! I remember him buying some pink shorts once thinking that they were grey. I thought they looked fine but all the women of the family laughed, he never did wear them.

So I’ve always known this but when I was about 33 I needed an aviation health check and it came up again and I asked the doctor and he went deeper into it with the confetti charts and said that I was very green deficient. To my surprise I then began to dwell on it quite a bit and started to attempt to understand what it means to see the world and to attempt to understand what the world must look like to others. I still get surprises even now like recently after eating them all my life discovering that avocados are, yes green. I never realised!

This got me thinking about how to communicate what I see to others and visa versa because of the following banta…

Ian: “I’m sorry didn’t realise, I’m colour blind”
Other: “Really!”
Ian: “Yes I don’t see much green”
Other: “What do you see?”
Ian: “What do you see?
Other: “I see green”
Ian: “Well, I see green”

Then I get the confused look and proceed to explain that we both call the same coloured things that colour, not because that is what we see but because that is what we are taught to call that colour. The reality is that we don’t know if what we see is the same and I can guarantee you there are many people out there who don’t know they are colour deficient but are able to agree most of the time with what people agree on as a specific colour. Have you ever seen appalling colour tastes in clothes or decoration?

So then in the conversation I turn to the Other and say, “describe yellow to me”.

Go on describe it, I challenge you. You will probably refer to the colour of something. No that is the colour of that thing which we agree is yellow, not the colour. Then you’ll refer maybe to brightness or shade but that also doesn’t describe the colour. I have yet to have someone describe a colour to me and most of the time they refer to an item that is that colour and not describe the colour itself. There is one way though and that is to go for the specific scientific wave length of that colour which is the definition of what it is but it doesn’t describe it in a human way. If you can please let me know.

So how we describe something that is so difficult to describe as colour?

Traffic lights and street lights!

To explain some thing new we have to move from an agreed understanding of something and move incremental to a new understanding. That’s also how education and learning is done.

Think of a set of traffic lights. Red, amber and green. The three lights are the same brightness and colour intensity as each other just a different colour. Agreed? I hope so.

Now think of the white street lights around the traffic lights. There are many different types of street lights but they all have a subtle tint to them some yellow some blue maybe others I don’t know of. Now think of the white street lights with the very subtle blue tint.

Next time we’re driving and we see these street lights going off into the distance and we’re coming to a set of traffic lights I see the bright red like you, I see the amber like you but I see the intensity of the green colour as intense as the blue colour in the street lights, not like you! It’s hard to imagine isn’t it but just imagine the colour turned down so it’s primarily white with a tint of green like the blue in the street lights. You can imagine what it’s like to have less but I can never imagine what it’s like to have more green.

If you want to see if you can see the whole colour spectrum or not check out the University of London site. I fail and loose sight of the square at 0:08 and 0:59 which are two colours that I can’t see in the world.

So I’m prejudiced against a world with green in it and it doesn’t matter how much I attempt I will never understand but I can intellectualise what it may be like. The funny thing is though, we are all colour blind. I don’t know anyone who can see the whole colour spectrum. Ultra violet to infra red let alone microwaves to x-rays. A falcon can see the urine trails left by its prey because it fluoresces in the ultraviolet in sunlight. So compared to a falcon we are colour deficient.

So I’m colour blind/deficient/prejudiced but using that as an analogy we are prejudiced by our experiences and just because we see something and believe something and agree with our community/family on something doesn’t mean that it’s correct. What is correct anyway?

For humans the part of the visible light spectrum that we call the colours of the rainbow is agreed to be correct. We know there is more but we’ll agree that is correct and get on with our lives.

How about the other prejudices in our life? How many things do we believe are correct. Are we really that sure, maybe we’re coloured blind on that subject. Others are saying different who is right? And if we can’t find a common place to start our discussion that we agree on how can we move to a new understanding of another’s way of see the world. One persons dictator is someone else saviour. One groups terrorist is another’s freedom fighter. It all depends on the filters that we look at life through.

So lets find some common ground that we can agree on and move forward to understand why and how we are living the lives we live. Maybe we can never truly look through someone else’s eyes but with some effort we can understand that we all see the world differently and even then we’re not seeing the whole spectrum. But at least we will have some empathy for others and know that there is more than meets the eye.

Welcome To Episode Four of Your Story.To listen to the podcast please go to Your Story. Today we talk with Krissy Kneen who is passionate about being a writer with a recently published book of erotic short stories.Have you ever considered the sex life of people outside of the mainstream who we normally don’t think of being sexual due to their life circumstances? Krissys book explores some of these.We also discuss the challenges of being a writer and the sexually secluded upbringing that help her to look in this way at the people around us.Her book is Swallow the Sound and is available from her website eatbooks.com email is info@eatbooks.comTo automatically receive this podcast freely to you, click on one of the links to the left or search in iTunes for “Your Story.”Subscribe freely in iTunes by Clicking here.If you use another Podcast software Get the feed here.Music is from PodsafeAudioOpening track is So Deep by Frenz

Welcome everyone.

If your here for the first time it’s probably because I contacted you to come and check what I’ve been up to. Thanks for taking the time.

If you want to know what it’s all about click on the link at the to. So you want to know what I’m up to? That will pretty well sum it up far better than writing it again.

As you can see I have now four podcasts but three officially as the first was a bit of a ramble on my part. If you feel it’s worth it leave a comment at the end of the post.

I’d like to keep you in the loop so please send me an email at chat@yourstorypodcast.com.

Thanks for dropping by.

Welcome To Episode Three of Your Story.To listen the podcast go to Your Story. Today I catch up with Meg Carrigan who owns a boutique bakery specialising in sour dough breads. I’ve known Meg for a few years and we discuss the best bread made in Australia at her Sol Breads bakery.We chat about her being into competitive mountain biking where she has the skill and determination to be the winner in her age group and amongst the best of the women overall.I also discovered that she has learnt from losing affluence and having to deal with that and the recovery not only for herself but also for her family and that it’s not just all about the money.To automatically receive this podcast freely to you, click on one of the links to the left or search in iTunes for “Your Story.”Subscribe freely in iTunes by Clicking here.If you use another Podcast software Get the feed here.Odeo Link is My Odeo Channel (odeo/ec31ca48707dbcd0)Music is from PodsafeAudioOpening track is “All That You Said” by Everyday Jones